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       Okay, just so you know, when I first sat down to write this I didn't intend for it to turn out to be ... well ... I can't tell you now, I'll wait till you reach the end.  But for now, I want you to know that no serious thought was put into it as it took me a grand  total of eleven minutes to write. 

"Eduardo" - Mr. Perez, Paco, Eduardo, and Julian
   A third grade classroom - all the students are working dilligently on their assignments.
Mr. Perez:  Hey Paco...
Paco: Hey...           
Mr. Perez: What are you... uhh... doing?
Paco: What does it look like I’m doing?
Mr. Perez: I would say what it looks like... but - I would much rather you clear it up for me...
Paco: Ambiguity got you down, Mr. Perez?
Mr. Perez: No.  The fact that you have brought a squirrel body into class and appear to be...
Paco: He is helping me with my math, Mr. Perez – and his name is Eduardo.
Mr. Perez: Oh... Well, Paco, ...umm... I don’t know any squirrels that are any good at math.
(Paco glances up offended by this statement)
Mr. Perez: No offense meant, Eduardo!  
Paco: Eduardo isn’t offended, he is quite used to people belittling him because he is a squirrel.  It’s okay if you are prejudiced against squirrels, Mr. Perez, – Eduardo thinks you’re a fat pro-whitey, middle-aged, buffoon with a degree in boringism.
Mr. Perez:  Oh.
Julian: I thought you were in your twenties?
(Mr. Perez and Paco turn to Julian amazed)
Mr. Perez: Paco – I have absolutely nothing against squirrels –
Paco: Oh don’t try and fight it Mr. Perez, it is quite obvious you do.
Mr. Perez: Honest, I like squirrels.
Paco: Uh-huh...
Mr. Perez: Paco, I think squirrels are... lovely...furry...little creatures...but, I never knew a single one who could speak to me, let alone help me with my schoolwork.
Paco: Oh, the hideousness of the narrowminded...minds!
Julian: A lima bean once told me that my nose wasn’t a comfortable sitting room.
(Once again Julian receives stares from around the room)
Mr. Perez: Now listen to me, Paco, I have absolutely nothing against squirrels, or animals of any kind!  That’s not the issue -
Paco: Yes it is.
Julian: Yes.
Mr. Perez: No it isn’t.
Julian: No.
Paco: Yes it is – you don’t like the fact that I have a highly educated squirrel in the classroom.  You cannot stand that Eduardo is smarter than you – it is quite simple, really.  You have a Maboolean Contest.
Julian: Napolean Complex.
Paco: Sheesh, Julian!  Could you be any weirder!  Shut–UP!
Julian: Mr. Perez–!  He’s being a mea-
Mr. Perez: Quiet, Julian!  Paco, it isn’t that you have a squirrel in class helping you, I would be alright with that under normal circumstances-
Paco: What are the normal circumstances”
Mr. Perez: That one: your squirrel were caged –
Paco: EDUARDO WILL NOT BE CAGED!  HE IS A FREE SPIRIT!   A FREE, MATHEMATICALLY INCLINED, PRO-LIFE, SQUIRREL!  THIS IS SO TYPICAL!  SOCIETY WANTS TO CAGE NATURE AND ALL THAT IS WONDERFUL ABOUT OUR WORLD!
Mr. Perez: Okay fine, forget number one. 
Paco: Okay.  Done.
Mr. Perez:  Two: that the squir-...Eduardo- were clinically proven to be free of disease or any other harmful threat he might possibly pose to your classmates.
Paco: I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT YOU WOULD THINK SO LOWLY OF DEAR EDUARDO!?!  HE IS A POLISHED AND REFINED CITIZEN OF THIS COUNTRY!  YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED TO CONSIDER HIM IN SUCH A MANNER! 
Mr. Perez:  Right again.  Consider number two gone.
Paco: What was number two?
Julian: He thinks your squirrel carries rabies.
Paco: Leprosy.
Julian: Right-o Paco.  My aunt thought I had leprosy.
Mr. Perez: Number three: that Eduardo enroll in our class.
Julian: She chased after me trying to find my pot of gold.
Paco: I think it quite below dear Eduardo to enroll at an elementary level, when he has traveled the world and holds a masters in Business Administration, Mr. Perez.
Mr. Perez: You got me again, Paco.
Julian: Of course, I didn’t have a pot of gold.  I was just fond of being chased around our backyard. 
Mr. Perez: Okay, here is the real reason I cannot allow the squirrel in the room...
Paco: Because you need to mark your territory?
Julian:  Then I found out, the only way to really know if I had a pot of gold was to cut off my head... 
Mr. Perez: Although your squirrel–
Paco: Eduardo.
Mr. Perez: Although your ‘Eduardo’ may be a businessman/mathematician who has traveled around the world, is amazingly clean and in good health, and docile, posing no threat to our classroom – I simply cannot fathom how he could be telling you how to do your math when he is in need of a head.
Paco: What?  Oh, yes – Julian and I were afraid he caught leprosy.
Julian: Rabies?
Mr. Perez: I thought you said he was completely free of disease?
Julian: He didn’t have a pot of gold, either.
Mr. Perez:  Then...uhh...Paco?
Paco: Yes, Mr. Perez?
Mr. Perez: I believe Eduardo is...dead.
Paco: JUST LIKE THE MAN WOULD HAVE US BELIEVE, TOO!  JUST BECAUSE HE’S MISSING HIS HEAD, AND BECAUSE HE IS A SQUIRREL!  YOU’RE ONE OF THE MAN’S MANS AREN’T YOU?
Mr. Perez: ‘Men,’ Paco, ‘men.’
Paco: Oh...  Eduardo? – You taught me everything I know about grammar...? 
(An awkward silence fills the tense classroom as Paco’s eyes fill with tears)
...
(several minutes later)
Julian: I once had a pet sock who told me that I was an adopted Alien from the planet Hanes.
Mr. Perez: Paco?
Paco: Just because Eduardo is gone doesn’t mean I will listen to everything you tell me now.  I will always fight for justice in our third grade classroom.  Eduardo taught me a lot about ‘The Man’ and injustice in the system, and we even plotted the demise of Whitey...
(several minutes of even more awkward silence)
Paco: ... You didn’t hear that.
Mr. Perez: Right.
Julian: My real parents were apparently inside-out grasshoppers with gabillions of slimy slug feet...
Mr. Perez: (returning to his desk) I trust that you will find a safe resting place for Eduardo, Paco?  (As he sits down and reaches under his desk for something) I’m sorry about your loss, son.
Paco: (runs up to front of the room with Eduardo carefully cradled in his arms) Yes sir. (Paco solemnly heads for the door, and just before he reaches it, Mr. Perez pulls out a black box, fiddles with it a bit, and then finds what it is he’s looking for, presses it.  Paco turns towards the wall and slam dunks Eduardo’s body into the undersized trash-can.  Skipping merrily back to his seat Paco sings to himself:) Yankee doodle went to town, riding on a squirrel, stuck a robot in his head and became presideeent!
Mr. Perez: (speaking into his hand) Turnip One - Turnip One - This is Milk Carton - The weed is subdued...I repeat, the weed is subdued...
Julian: The sock also told me about the oppression of his people and ever since then I have been smuggling Sockovits in my underoos across the playground borders into a land of freedom...
(Mr. Perez starts to giggle while he plays with the box.)
Julian: I tried to eat my own face once. (His body twitches in his desk) Mayonnaise is better than ice cream. (Julian jerks again) My favorite sound is FZZZZZZZZZ...(His body jerks yet again.) I want to be goggles when I grow up...or North Dakota...


       Okay, that's it - I just wanted to let you know that when I originally sat down to write this, I did not intend for it to become a farce on government control - - that just sorta' happened...squirrels will do that to me...